Notice
Ask an open question about what’s changed: “You’ve been quiet lately. What’s on your mind?” Brief, everyday moments of connection are associated with a better day, even with people we barely know.
Resilient TeamRelational Game
Micro-Compassion in Action
from they know I appreciate them→to I show it, specifically, every day
The Goal
Build trust through small, repeatable acts of noticing, naming and support.
Ideal For
Culture resets, post-reorg recovery, and distributed teams losing the in-person moments.
The Shift
From they know I appreciate them to I show it, specifically, every day.
The Science
Feeling overlooked tends to register as a social threat, and social exclusion is associated with activity in some brain regions also linked to physical pain, though how much they overlap is debated. Small, specific acts of recognition and support tend to make people feel valued, and teams where people feel safe tend to speak up and learn more.
Notice, Name, Support, step by step
- MapPick one context, one person, and the kind of moment this week where Notice or Name could land.
- RewriteRecall a recent moment when you were impatient, distracted or too busy to care. Write: Instead of… / I could say or do… / So the person feels… Your partner checks it can be said in ten seconds.
- RehearseSay the move out loud to your partner as if they were the person. Hear which words landed, try it once more, then swap.
- Install the move“When [a moment in my day], I will [Notice, Name or Support], saying [the actual phrase]”, with a witness who asks about it in two weeks.
The techniques, and why they work
Name
Name what you saw, specifically: their name and something they said or did. People who express thanks tend to underestimate how much it means, and specific thanks tends to make people feel valued and help more.
Support
Make a bounded, specific offer instead of “whatever you need”. People underestimate how uncomfortable it is to ask for help, so a concrete offer is easier to accept.
Selected research
- Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2018). Undervaluing gratitude: Expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation. Psychological Science, 29(9), 1423–1435.
- Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2021). Insufficiently complimentary?: Underestimating the positive impact of compliments creates a barrier to expressing them. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 121(2), 239–256.
- Grant, A. M., & Gino, F. (2010). A little thanks goes a long way: Explaining why gratitude expressions motivate prosocial behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(6), 946–955.
- Bohns, V. K., & Flynn, F. J. (2010). “Why didn’t you just ask?” Underestimating the discomfort of help-seeking. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46(2), 402–409.
- Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Social interactions and well-being: The surprising power of weak ties. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(7), 910–922.
- Frazier, M. L., Fainshmidt, S., Klinger, R. L., Pezeshkan, A., & Vracheva, V. (2017). Psychological safety: A meta-analytic review and extension. Personnel Psychology, 70(1), 113–165.
- Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292.
From the research
The thinking behind this lab, published in full: